Ah, CHILDBIRTH (from some Stand Up Comedy)

(Excerpt of mine, which I'm reminded of lately, since our lovely standard poodle is pregnant).

First, let me say that I won't gross you out, and second, I'm glad I have my kids. If they weren't worth having, we'd only have one. But we have three, so it's obviously all worth it. (There, glad to get that out of the way.)

Now to the truth about the evils of labor and delivery, and the liars in the cults known as "Lamaze" and "La Leche"...

The Lamaze folks tell you that "natural" is better b/c...well, it's natural. (So is death, fyi.) They will cite statistics that show c-sections and induced labors are associated with higher risks of fetal or maternal problems and therefore doing it all naturally, without pain relief, must be preferable. The thing is, that's a stupid statistic. The underlying reason for the c-section or induced labor is the reason there's a problem with the child. Not the pain relief sought (and deserved!)

Anyhow...I had natural childbirth twice, once voluntarily. My first pregnancy was going well and I'm one of 9 children. My mother had given birth to 9 children in 12 years. I figured, "how hard can it be? I'm an athlete!" (And clearly a fool). As an aside, I'm petite, and so I don't have a long torso. My mother used to comment about this often, as if it were a defect I could work on to improve. Alas, when it came time to carry a child for 40 weeks and then give birth, a short torso SUCKS...

CHILDBIRTH & PREPARING FOR IT...

So we took the Lamaze class, and we held ice cubes in our hands to simulate...what? Contractions? How to deal with an item the size of two Perdue Chickens, exiting our short torsos? Ice cube holding is among the goofiest things I can think of as an aid to bearing children. Worse than the tedious breathing exercises. It's like pinching someone to prepare them for a 3rd degree burn. "See how the deep breaths helps you now?"

The coach said we "might feel some discomfort"...but for the record, "discomfort" is what I feel when my pantyhose aren't fitting well. Same goes for the word "pressure", a word which dentists also use to describe drilling a hole in your upper palate..."gonna feel some pressure"...I always wonder what the dentist would say if I were to "press" a hot iron on his face. Would he say he felt "pressure" or a "hot, searing, burning pain??" Just asking...

I had recorded music to relax with and at first, it seemed to carry me away from my fears, to a happy place. Then at about the time I had dilated 5 centimeters (half way there!! maybe), the music was shrill and ear piercing. "Turn it off!" I gently told my husband...(as I recall the events, I consistently spoke gently, although I may have emphasized some terms more than others).

By this time, I realized I had made a serious miscalculation about "natural childbirth" and not having pain relief. I was not going to make it. I told the newly arrived obstetrician I wanted an epidural, but she said they didn't give them at that hospital, which, I had been told before. But that was before...as in, before I knew this was not going to work for me.

In fairness, my paternal grandmother, had died in childbirth. Since I never knew her, I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about her death, until of course, my pain level got so high that I assumed I was dying. "No way could this be normal!", I thought to myself. "I have to be dying - like my grandmother, OMG!"...

At one point, the increasingly unpleasant OB told me she was "not comfortable" giving pain relief. I thought, "Well since we're all here for you to feel 'comfortable', I guess I'll just shut the hell up...cuz it's all about you and how you feel..." Then, she said she did not believe I was pushing as hard as I could and that I "could do better"....This stunned me. I asked her, between contractions that is, whether she'd given birth. She had not. Now, many many retorts to her response came to mind at that moment. Some of them more vulgar than others. I'm proud to say that the least offensive retort is what I uttered, which was, "then you have no credibility." My husband was mortified...His mortification enraged me, briefly. I was so overwhelmed and flummoxed by my pain, and just so damn distracted, I forgot to slap his face off.

Really, I just wish my coach or a trustworthy OB doctor, had told me an 'inconvenient truth'; i.e., "this can hurt like hell, but you're still probably fine."

Yep, I wish I had known that.

As for breast feeding, what a surprise that was! I'm not flat chested so I assumed this was a no brainer. WRONG AGAIN! What the hell? After 30 hours of not having my milk "let down", the night nurse told me that "babies can't nurse off anxious mothers" so that sure helped me relax. "So if I worry about it, my baby will starve? Okay, got it." But the nurse/La Leche cult member refused to consider bottle feeding, I think, ever. She'd say things like "do you want your baby to be immune to disease or what?" She advocated breast milk until the kid goes off to college, but here's how I knew when to stop. It's a sign from God almighty, when your baby is biting you with his canines, it's time for steak, not mommy...

And here's the other thing I wish I had known.

I wish I had thought about marrying & mating within my "breed"...not race, breed. Meaning, I am petite. Kind of like your typical toy French poodle. But I married, and carried the child of, a big Labrador. NOT A GOOD MIX....if I were single and looking to "mate" again, I'd look for a man with narrow shoulders and a tiny head. Tall is fine, if they're long but skinny. Toss those big ones back into the lake, girlfriend. Micro cephalics (pinheads) are fine if they're not mean dullards, so check the IQs of the pinheads, and see if they treat you right.

On the first date with a new guy, if things are going so well that you may someday want to pass this man's child, come right out and ask the man:'"What was your head circumference at birth?" "And your birth weight?" Ask him if his mother ever used his labor & birth as a reason to impose guilt on him for anything. Make her tell you the details and include the amount of time she was pushing...you want to know ahead of time what kind of marital issues you'll have giving birth to this giant's kid. Figure out if you can pass this guy's offspring through your torso.

Tell him what you're looking for and I'm sure he'll accommodate. If things are going super well but you realize you've unfortunately fallen in love with the wrong breed, (think Saint Bernard and Dacshound), don't give up-- it's just time for a surrogate!

Today's Kids MORE Depressed than in Real Depression, & American Idol Begins

Yes the headline is evidently true and those facts are connected. More kids age of 16-22 report feeling "stressed out" or filled with anxiety, than did in the actual depression. Indeed, 40% of college students report feeling depressed or hopeless. They report high levels of pressure to perform, having large school loans, and the overall expectations of them exceeding their performance. Japan's suicide rate remains near its' highest rate.

Yet I can't imagine anyone who'd admit to being "stressed out" back in the 30's. My mother grew up then and said they were very poor, and sometimes her childhood sounds bleak. When she moved to a real city, life improved. But I doubt she'd say that she was "depressed" then, and she sounds as if she was the life of the party then too. But somehow I don't think a lot of people in that generation would say they were "stressed out" or depressed, because frankly, it seems far too wimpy.

Today there's a whole industry created around "stress and anxiety." We have therapists, counsellors, groups, self help books galore, and a whole range of pharmaceutical products and physical programs and activities such as yoga, Pilates and work outs, all designed to reduce stress. The terms "stress and anxiety" are like a diagnosis in epidemic numbers. It's a plague out there! Do all you can to avoid these terrors!

So, what's up? Maybe we should ask each other, "so what if your life has some stress?" Lots of the stresses reported are "internal"...for instance, crime isn't high in Japan, yet their suicide rate is higher than ever. As for hope, more of us go to college than did back then, and even in this recession, home ownership is much higher than it was back then. We have more now than we did back then...

So, was it as bad back in the Depression as we seem to think it is now? Back in the 30's there were few public safety nets. If you had no food, you hunted and gathered. You went to your family, your neighbors and your church, before you dared to hope the charity poor house might have something. Malnutrition existed then, (and really bad teeth as well. Check the photos). But I'm not sure it was worse then. I'm curious though. True, there was a much stronger sense of community back then, but then think of how many people moved because of hard times. They went where the jobs were. People today think that sounds insane. Why would they move for a better job, unless it's a certainty they'd get it?

Were people tougher back then? I get the feeling they were. (Or did Brokaw's book "The Greatest Generation" get a bit overwrought?) Or, were people then secretly miserable and suppressed? Were our expectations simply lower then? Are we more open and in touch with our inner selves now? Or are we simply more self centered now, with unrealistic dreams and hopes? And lest we forget, aren't we bombarded with advertisements about everything from erectile dysfunction (an experience I'm glad my father & grandfather were spared watching) to restless leg syndrome, and "mild to moderate depression", "moderate pre-menstrual syndrome", and of course, plenty of really bad news about the world and our economy, and a tsunami of scary threatening information 24/7, along with heightened expectations of life from the media? What a combo!

I do think the youth (of the western world at least) expects a hell of a lot out of life. But so did I. And we raised this youth! For instance, I still "expect" to be happy in my life and I usually am. If I'm not, I'll work on fixing the problem that's preventing me from being able to claim happiness.

I "expect" to have a good marriage, (even if my husband still has tons of improvements to make). I operate under the assumption my children will excel, and so far, they have. But am I setting them up for something bad later? And "average" isn't easy for me to accept. Upon reflection, that's a tad troubling. I expect to find meaning & compensation for my work, or I'll keep looking to move on. I expect to have a home in a good safe area, with decent schools and some space to play in. I expect to take a trip or two a year, purely for fun and travel. (Not the fake "vacations" my father pretended we were on visiting relatives who lived on a lake...but in his defense, hey, I am one of 9 kids. Good grief). These are things I hoped for as a child, but then came to "expect".

I just re-read that last paragraph. I do expect a lot. That's got to be part of the problem today.

But I'm curious about what you think. Why are today's youth reportedly more depressed and anxious than folks that age were, in the real Depression? Or is the study fundamentally flawed? I mean, reporting depression to your doctor back then, must have gotten a real second look from them. And what type of wacky behavior got you into a hospital for "a rest"?

As for today...there seems to be something awry with our expectations. We can't all be supermodels, can't all sing like Whitney Houston, or be reality TV stars (though actual talent probably would exclude you from a reality show) and we can't all play professional sports or win an Olypic Gold Medal. I have friends who practically grieve when their kids don't make the varsity team freshman year, or get a top 1% type of scholarship for college for a specific talent or skill. It's as if they've failed because their children are just simply smart, but not the smartest. They're merely athletic, not "gifted". Better than average isn't good enough either. You have to be "The American Idol" and there can only be one.

We can't all make a fortune on Wall Street or invent the newest money making gadget. Yet after watching American Idol's first auditions tonight, I wondered who had told these kids that their voices were worth having an entire nation listen to? They all said "I'm the next American Idol!"...and probably they were required to say that. But the thing is, many of the worst ones, believed it. Most of us will not be rich and famous, or "the best" at something, or anything...and I'm starting to think, "so what?" Someone once said, "learning to love what you have is the road to being content." I think I like that. Because otherwise, all those contestants on American Idol are doomed to feeling pretty damn bad about themselves if it's all...or what? Nothing?

The bottom line is that we can't all be "the special one". If we were, then no one would be...Wow, now that's depressing. Say it ain't so! ( I mean, we are all really really happy all the time, right? Right?)