Ah, CHILDBIRTH (from some Stand Up Comedy)

(Excerpt of mine, which I'm reminded of lately, since our lovely standard poodle is pregnant).

First, let me say that I won't gross you out, and second, I'm glad I have my kids. If they weren't worth having, we'd only have one. But we have three, so it's obviously all worth it. (There, glad to get that out of the way.)

Now to the truth about the evils of labor and delivery, and the liars in the cults known as "Lamaze" and "La Leche"...

The Lamaze folks tell you that "natural" is better b/c...well, it's natural. (So is death, fyi.) They will cite statistics that show c-sections and induced labors are associated with higher risks of fetal or maternal problems and therefore doing it all naturally, without pain relief, must be preferable. The thing is, that's a stupid statistic. The underlying reason for the c-section or induced labor is the reason there's a problem with the child. Not the pain relief sought (and deserved!)

Anyhow...I had natural childbirth twice, once voluntarily. My first pregnancy was going well and I'm one of 9 children. My mother had given birth to 9 children in 12 years. I figured, "how hard can it be? I'm an athlete!" (And clearly a fool). As an aside, I'm petite, and so I don't have a long torso. My mother used to comment about this often, as if it were a defect I could work on to improve. Alas, when it came time to carry a child for 40 weeks and then give birth, a short torso SUCKS...

CHILDBIRTH & PREPARING FOR IT...

So we took the Lamaze class, and we held ice cubes in our hands to simulate...what? Contractions? How to deal with an item the size of two Perdue Chickens, exiting our short torsos? Ice cube holding is among the goofiest things I can think of as an aid to bearing children. Worse than the tedious breathing exercises. It's like pinching someone to prepare them for a 3rd degree burn. "See how the deep breaths helps you now?"

The coach said we "might feel some discomfort"...but for the record, "discomfort" is what I feel when my pantyhose aren't fitting well. Same goes for the word "pressure", a word which dentists also use to describe drilling a hole in your upper palate..."gonna feel some pressure"...I always wonder what the dentist would say if I were to "press" a hot iron on his face. Would he say he felt "pressure" or a "hot, searing, burning pain??" Just asking...

I had recorded music to relax with and at first, it seemed to carry me away from my fears, to a happy place. Then at about the time I had dilated 5 centimeters (half way there!! maybe), the music was shrill and ear piercing. "Turn it off!" I gently told my husband...(as I recall the events, I consistently spoke gently, although I may have emphasized some terms more than others).

By this time, I realized I had made a serious miscalculation about "natural childbirth" and not having pain relief. I was not going to make it. I told the newly arrived obstetrician I wanted an epidural, but she said they didn't give them at that hospital, which, I had been told before. But that was before...as in, before I knew this was not going to work for me.

In fairness, my paternal grandmother, had died in childbirth. Since I never knew her, I didn't spend a lot of time thinking about her death, until of course, my pain level got so high that I assumed I was dying. "No way could this be normal!", I thought to myself. "I have to be dying - like my grandmother, OMG!"...

At one point, the increasingly unpleasant OB told me she was "not comfortable" giving pain relief. I thought, "Well since we're all here for you to feel 'comfortable', I guess I'll just shut the hell up...cuz it's all about you and how you feel..." Then, she said she did not believe I was pushing as hard as I could and that I "could do better"....This stunned me. I asked her, between contractions that is, whether she'd given birth. She had not. Now, many many retorts to her response came to mind at that moment. Some of them more vulgar than others. I'm proud to say that the least offensive retort is what I uttered, which was, "then you have no credibility." My husband was mortified...His mortification enraged me, briefly. I was so overwhelmed and flummoxed by my pain, and just so damn distracted, I forgot to slap his face off.

Really, I just wish my coach or a trustworthy OB doctor, had told me an 'inconvenient truth'; i.e., "this can hurt like hell, but you're still probably fine."

Yep, I wish I had known that.

As for breast feeding, what a surprise that was! I'm not flat chested so I assumed this was a no brainer. WRONG AGAIN! What the hell? After 30 hours of not having my milk "let down", the night nurse told me that "babies can't nurse off anxious mothers" so that sure helped me relax. "So if I worry about it, my baby will starve? Okay, got it." But the nurse/La Leche cult member refused to consider bottle feeding, I think, ever. She'd say things like "do you want your baby to be immune to disease or what?" She advocated breast milk until the kid goes off to college, but here's how I knew when to stop. It's a sign from God almighty, when your baby is biting you with his canines, it's time for steak, not mommy...

And here's the other thing I wish I had known.

I wish I had thought about marrying & mating within my "breed"...not race, breed. Meaning, I am petite. Kind of like your typical toy French poodle. But I married, and carried the child of, a big Labrador. NOT A GOOD MIX....if I were single and looking to "mate" again, I'd look for a man with narrow shoulders and a tiny head. Tall is fine, if they're long but skinny. Toss those big ones back into the lake, girlfriend. Micro cephalics (pinheads) are fine if they're not mean dullards, so check the IQs of the pinheads, and see if they treat you right.

On the first date with a new guy, if things are going so well that you may someday want to pass this man's child, come right out and ask the man:'"What was your head circumference at birth?" "And your birth weight?" Ask him if his mother ever used his labor & birth as a reason to impose guilt on him for anything. Make her tell you the details and include the amount of time she was pushing...you want to know ahead of time what kind of marital issues you'll have giving birth to this giant's kid. Figure out if you can pass this guy's offspring through your torso.

Tell him what you're looking for and I'm sure he'll accommodate. If things are going super well but you realize you've unfortunately fallen in love with the wrong breed, (think Saint Bernard and Dacshound), don't give up-- it's just time for a surrogate!