Crappy Gifts and December Birthdays

As someone with a December birthday, I grew up feeling ripped off at gift time. Many of my “birthday” gifts were wrapped with dancing reindeer or Santa on the wrapping. It was clear that my birthday had been combined with Christmas for a net loss to me. My brother had it worse than me, because his birthday was the day after Christmas, when we were all too busy playing with our new toys to even pay attention to someone else opening one. Of course, his gifts were also wrapped in Christmas paper. Worse still, my mother was born on Christmas, which must have really sucked for her growing up. As it was, she grew up in a poor family. Even so, it came as a surprise when she said her first birthday cake was the one given to her by us, when she turned seventy.

I married a man who procrastinates and is very practical. This was problematic when it came to getting presents for me. Plus, I have friends married to the proverbial “good guys,” the men who get their wives great gifts that take time and thought and money! These men are the envy of their wives's friends, sisters and co-workers, who openly praise the wonder boys for their generous thoughtfully selected gifts for decades. When it comes to gifts, women can forgive a lot better than we can forget. Indeed, the bad gift givers are also remembered long after their faux pas. They have a hard time living it down. (But it’s very important to let them try to overcome their past).

One year my father gave my mother a lawn mower for Mother’s Day. Worse still, it wasn’t even a gas or electric powered one, but a manual! Gee dad, why not give her an orange jumpsuit and pick axe to break rocks with? Oh, and some big shears for the north 40? The symbolism my mother saw in his present baffled my father. He had no insight into why my mother, who liked doing the yard work with my brothers, and said she needed more exercise, would feel a tad under-appreciated by this gesture.

Similarly, I was seven months pregnant one birthday when I truly saw my husband’s gift problem. His innate practicality, infamous gift procrastination and insanely busy schedule as a medical resident fully, but briefly, blossomed. I had mistakenly mentioned that my sweaters were getting snug due to the recent weight gain. So on my big day, my military husband gave me an extra extra large sweatshirt that said “Walter Reed Army Medical Center” on its’ front, and an autobiography written by a Marine sniper. Come on, a sniper book? Was I actually so cranky he thought I was planning to kill? Was I now "Super K Mart Sized? (Not yet!) I choose to believe that he was shopping in the hospital store, on my actual birthday, and not that he thought I was murderously irritated. When I opened those gifts, I wondered if he even knew me, if he thought a sniper’s autobiography was something I would enjoy reading...ever.

But this was when having a December birthday was a blessing. My husband had seen my obvious disappointment at the walrus sized sweatshirt and murder manual on my birthday. With that memory still fresh, he only had three weeks til Christmas to overcome his transgression. On Christmas morning, he presented me with a beautiful gold ring, bearing a diamond for every year we’d been married. Now that made me cry, with happiness, not horror. See? Redemption! It happens.

A second problem with my husband is he has similar attitudes about receiving gifts. When I asked what he wanted for Christmas early in our marriage, he said, “a new tire for my car” and he meant it. Instead, I gave him gifts I thought he should have, and not what he’d get for himself anyhow. He doesn’t understand this. Even when he liked the presents, I could tell he was confused about getting a “want” of his met, and not a “need.”

I know needs should always take precedence over wants, unless those needs are going to be met anyhow. For instance, when you know you’ll be able to afford a practical item later, (like a tire) why give it as a gift? That’s like paying a utility bill and saying “Happy Anniversary!” Times are tough. If you are strapped for cash this year, at least meet a “need” that feels more personal than a new tire. She's looking for a job? Maybe a new interview outfit (or a gift certificate for one, so you can avoid the size guessing game), or an accessory piece that she can wear to work and social events, like a tasteful necklace, or a classic purse she's commented on, assuming you don't ignore purse discussions.

When you are financially able to give a real present, try to meet a “want”. You don’t have to mind read guys, you can ask her what she wants. If she says “nothing”, that’s a lie. She wants something. She may not know what she wants, but she damn well wants you to know.

I’ve solved the dilemma for my husband. For example, I have long loved certain perfumes. Not every perfume, certain perfumes. After decades of getting perfume I had never heard of, or actively disliked, I made a list. My husband (and his mother) seemed to think this list either didn’t exist, or was merely a wispy guideline. I persisted with the list. The first time I got one of my listed perfumes was last year, when the collection of mini-perfume bottles from my mother in law, happened to include one of them. Yes I wondered if my husband simply didn’t like the fragrances I had chosen. But his nose was broken in a wrestling match years ago, and he couldn't smell smoke if he were on fire. His mother has a 2 pack a day tobacco habit, so her fragrance detector is also way off. The good news? Our son gave me perfume from my list! It comforts me to know I’ve raised a young man who will be the future bane of the bad gift givers & the envy of his future wife’s friends and family. (The girl he marries better be grateful to me.)

Here’s a news flash; men and women are different, and so are our friends. Find out what a specific holiday means to your significant other before you attach great meaning to their choices. (For that matter, find out what they consider “expensive and tasteful” to mean, so you can avoid those awkward moments when you underspend your friend by two socio-economic classes). I have friends who make huge spectacles out of their birthdays. They’ll take cruises and get expensive jewelry. Other friends just hope for a nice lunch with a card. Of course women need to be more direct about what we want. What’s new? Men are not mind readers (and most of the time, that fact makes me very grateful.)

Guys, no woman wants an “extra, extra large” clothing item unless she’s just had breast augmentation surgery, chose that size, and it’s for her to wear on top. Unless that's your situation, never buy your wife an “extra/extra large” item. Never. Just keep the receipt for her to return the item and buy it for her with an intentionally low balled estimate of her girth. Underestimate by at least two sizes. Sure, it’s a hassle to return an item, but it sure beats the look she’ll give you if you ever guess two sizes the other way. Trust me.

I still have a lingerie set my husband gave me that wouldn’t fit a third world pre-pubescent girl, (or my 85 lb. daughter). Though his sizing estimate was way way off, it’s so flattering to think he believed it ever fit me, that I still own it! It’s on the top shelf in my closet.

What’s on your list, and have you told anyone?